A Very Strange Event
by The Mad Maiden
Summary: Red vs Blue: There's a wedding at Blood Gulch. Who's getting married though? Pairings are listed inside.


**Disclaimer- I do not own Red vs Blue.**

**A/N- Okay this is the strangest story I could think of. Pleases read and review!**

**Pairings are: Sheila/Caboose (yes, you read that right) and Tex/Church **

A Very Strange Event

"I'm bored." Tucker moaned as he lay on the floor of the base. "Isn't there anything to do around here?"

"Well, we could send you over to the Red base." Church put in sarcastically as he sat on the couch next to Tex. "See how long it takes them to kill you."

"Or, we could just shoot you ourselves." The woman put in, smirking.

"Ha, ha very funny." Tucker muttered then got into a sitting position, looking over at his two teammates. "But seriously. Isn't there anything to do here?"

.

Just then Caboose came running into the room. "Guys guesswhat guesswhat!" He exclaimed much too quickly for anyone to understand but because it was Caboose it wasn't that surprising.

"What is it now Caboose?" Church sighed in irritation. Doubting that he was going to like the news.

"Sheila said, Sheila said." Caboose seemed unable to speak coherently.

"Come on dude." Tucker said looking over at his blonde teammate. "Slow down."

"Yah." Church said, half interested in spite of himself. "What did Sheila say?"

"Are the Reds attacking?" Tex asked warily, always ready for a fight.

"No."Caboose shook his head at Tex's comment. "Even better!"

.

There was a pause before everyone gave up trying to figure out how the Reds attacking could be considered good in anyway.

"She said yes!"

There was another pause as Caboose seemed to think that this was a satisfactory answer.

"She said yes...to what?" Church said, wondering if was going to regret asking.

"My question."

"And what was your question?" Church said speaking slowly now. "What...did...you...ask...her?"

Tucker laughed at this while Caboose smiled broadly and replied proudly. "I asked her to marry me."

The room went silent as Tucker stopped laughing and even Tex seemed shocked.

"I can't...I...don't...I can't...this is..." Church trailed off, lost for words

The silence dragged on as everyone stared at Caboose in amazement.

"You're joking." Tucker managed to say at last.

"Nope." Everyone looked over to see Doc walking into the room. "He's telling the truth. Isn't that awesome guys! We're going to be having a wedding!"

* * *

"A what?" Simmons exclaimed looking astonished.

"A wedding!" Donut exclaimed grinning.

"Whose wedding?" Grif asked in shock as well.

"Whats this about a wedding?" Sarge demanded walking over to his team.

"It's that guy from the Blue team sir." Donut replied. "Caboose."

"Let me get this straight." Grif interrupted. "Caboose...the dumbest guy in this entire canyon...is getting married?"

"To who?" Simmons asked trying to think. "I mean the only girl in this canyon is that mean chick in the black armor..."

"You don't think...?"

"Nah, it says he's marrying some girl named...Sheila." Donut replied reading off the piece of paper in his hand. "Wait...who's that?"

"Maybe he had a girlfriend back home." Grif suggested. "I mean I don't see how they'd be getting married now or why they'd tell us but--."

"Um guys." Simmons interrupted as he remembered something. "I think I know who Sheila is."

"Well then who is it private?" Sarge questioned folding his arms. He didn't like to think that there was someone in the canyon that he hadn't heard about.

"Well..." Simmons started, not really sure how to continue. "It's...their tank..."

There a was a long pause.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."Grif said at last. "How is that even possible?"

"Well it's next week." Donut replied. "And we're all invited! Oh yah." He turned to Sarge. "They want to know if you can do the ceremony."

"Wait a minute." Simmons interrupted. "No offense sir but is that even legal?"

"Of course it is Simmons." Sarge replied. "In my civilian life I was a justice of the peace for quite a few years."

"Yah Simmons." Grif scoffed sarcastically. "How could you not know that?"

Simmons rolled his eyes. "You didn't know either, asshole."

* * *

It was the next day at the Blue base and everyone was still trying to understand what was happening.

"The Reds are coming!" Tex yelled down from the top of the base where she'd been scouting. She got down quickly when she saw that the other soldiers didn't seem to be paying attention. "Didn't you hear me?" She asked irritated. "I said the Red's are coming."

"We heard you." Church replied looking up from the book he'd been reading. "Doc invited them over."

"What?"

Church sighed and put down his book. "Apparently Sarge agreed to marry the "happy couple" and Caboose invited them to come to the wedding. Also I think that pink guy's the flower girl...guy..person"

"This is crazy!" Tex exclaimed but after standing there for a moment she went and sat next to Church on the couch. "I'm not wearing a dress you know."

"No one said you had to." Church said, deciding his safest course of action was not to get the moody soldier even angrier.

--

"No! For the last time no!" Church had been dragged into a planning meeting for the wedding and had just been informed he had to attend a stag party.

"Oh come on dude." Tucker pleaded. "It could be awesome. We could get strippers and--"

"First off no and Tucker, where in this god forsaken canyon do you think you'd even find strippers?"

"Ah, yah." Grif interrupted. "This is starting to sound like a bad idea."

"Why would you say that?" Simmons asked.

"Because a stag party is for guys..." Grif said then rolled his eyes when no one else seemed to get it. "So Donut will be there...remember Sarge's birthday?"

A pained look crossed Simmons's face as he shuddered. He shook himself out of it. "Never mind, I agree with Grif and Church. We shouldn't have a party."

"But I'm going to the stagette party, guys." Everyone turned to see that Donut and Doc had just walked into the room.

"A what?" Grif asked.

"It's like a stag party but for girls...and me!" Donut explained. "Sheila asked me to come!"

"Are you going too Doc?" Grif asked sarcastically.

"Of course not." Doc replied with a laugh. "They're trustworthy. As as trained medic I have to go to the stag night to make sure you boys don't hurt yourselves."

"How?"

"By drinking too much."

"Drinking too much of what, ketchup?"

"Sure!" Doc agreed, completely missing the sarcasm. He turned to Church. "Oh and Church, Sheila wanted to ask you something."

"Fine." He sighed. "I'll go see her."

-

Walking outside the base Church easily located the tank. "Hey Sheila, you wanted to see me?"

"_Hello Church."_ The AI replied in her usual calm voice_. "How are you today?"_

He shrugged. "Fine I guess. Stressed a bit, I can't say I've ever been in this situation before..." He paused. "Listen Sheila. I don't mean to be rude or anything but why are you getting married to Caboose? I mean...it's Caboose...and you're a computer program."

"_My data analyzer indicated it would be the best course of action taking into consideration my fluctuating logic functions when around Private Caboose."_

"Uh huh..."Church tried to decipher what Sheila had said.

"She's saying she's in love with him you moron." Church looked over to see standing Tex there.

"_Yes"_ Sheila exclaimed_. "That is the word I was searching for."_

"Where have you been?" Church asked as Tex walked up next to him.

"Avoiding Doc." She replied warily. "He seems to think that as Sheila's 'maid of honour'" She made air quotes as she said this. "I have to wear a dress."

"Wait, you're in the wedding?" Church asked.

"Well it's not like there are any other women here." Tex said rolling her eyes. "Oh and you were right about Donut. He is being the 'flower person', as he calls it." She looked over at Sheila. "Have you asked him yet?"

"_Not yet."_ The tank turned the turret towards Church_. "Tex was informing me on some wedding procedures."_

Church really didn't like the smug look that had suddenly appeared on Tex's face. "Yes...?"

"_Would you give me away at the wedding?"_

There was a pause as Tex's muffled laughter was heard.

Church however answered quickly. "Yah, sure I'll do it."

"_Thank you Private Church!"_ Sheila said happily_. "I shall go inform Doc."_

With that she drove off. Church looked over at Tex. "What?"

"Why did you agree so quickly to that?" She asked. "I thought--"

"You thought I wouldn't want to?" Church asked. "Well look at it this way. Now I don't have to be the best man. Nice try though" He smirked as she rolled her eyes and punched him on the shoulder.

"Asshole."

"Bitch." He replied filling their usual dialog before they both turned to go back to the base.

* * *

It was the day (well night really but it was almost always light in the canyon) of the stag and stagette party.

.

"Chug, chug, chug!"

.

"What on earth are they doing?" Church asked Simmons as they stood in the main room of the Red base.

Simmons sighed. "Apparently having a drinking contest with Grif's homemade champagne."

"He made this stuff?" Church said looking now suspiciously at the drink in his hands.

"Yah, out of rubbing alcohol and 7 Up. I wouldn't recommend it."

"I'll keep that in mind." Church said as he quickly put the drink down. "On an unrelated note I'll be right back."

He figured this was as good a time as any to try to make his escape. If he was caught he could always say he was just going to make sure that Tex hadn't killed Donut.

--

"I am going to kill you." Tex said through gritted teeth, glaring at Donut. "I swear the moment I get untied..."

"Oh come on Tex!" Donut replied happily. "It's not that bad. Admit it, you're having fun!"

"I...am...not."

"I'm I interrupting anything?" They all looked to see Church walking over.

"_Hello Church."_ Sheila greeted.

"Hey Sheila, hows the party going?" He looked over at Tex tied to a chair. "I see Tex is tied up at the moment."

"Ha, ha." Tex replied through gritted teeth. "I swear when I get out..."

"We're giving Tex a makeover!" Donut exclaimed not noticing the look on Church's face.

"Wow..." He said shaking his head. "Umm...why don't you guys go do whatever it was you were going to do next..."

"Alight!" Donut exclaimed. "Come on Sheila. Let's go make popcorn!"

"_With extra motor oil." _

The tank and Donut went off behind the base.

"So..." Church started, looking over at the tied up Tex. "If I untie you will you promise not to kill them?"

"I don't see why I should." Tex replied bitterly. "They ambushed me and tied me to a chair!"

"Oh come on Tex." Church said walking over. "They weren't trying to get you mad...Donut just isn't that smart that's all."

Tex didn't say anything.

.

"Hey, are you alright?" Church noticed that there seemed to be tears on Tex's face.

"Yes." She replied stiffly, glaring even more. "That idiot got something in my eye...mascara probably." She shuddered.

"Sure..." Church said skeptically until he noticed that her eye did seem a little red. "I'll be right back."

"Hey...where are you going?" Tex called out after him as he ran to the base. "I thought you were going to untie me...bastard." She muttered when he was out of view and then went back to trying to escape.

--

"I told you I'd be back." Church said five minutes later. "You didn't have to pull a Houdini."

"You were taking too long then." Tex replied icily trying to get her hands untied. They were tied together making it a lot harder to get out of then the chair.

"You have no patience, do you know that?" Church replied with a sigh. "Here, I got a knife." In few minutes he'd cut off the rope that was around Tex's hands

"Thanks..." She replied rubbing her hands. Then looking over at Church. "Are you sure I can't kill them...at least Donut?"

Church smirked. "No, I don't think so. Now sit down I got something for your eye." He paused until Tex looked at him warily but sat down.

He took a wet cloth out.

"I can do this myself." Tex said holding her hand out for the cloth.

"Nice, try." Church replied. "You'd probably end up getting more in your eye..." He paused then went on. "You haven't seen yourself...have you?"

"Church..."

"That's probably a good thing." He chuckled. "Now close your eyes. I have to get the stuff around your eyes off first."

"I am going to kill them..." Tex muttered but she closed her eyes.

"Thats the spirit." Church smirked, starting to wipe the makeup off. "Just as forgiving as ever."

"Shut up." Tex muttered but kept her eyes closed.

There was silence for a while as Church wiped off her face. Returning it to it's more natural look. Tex had never been big on makeup and had rarely worn it.

.

"There." Church said after a minute. "Done."

"Finally." Tex muttered, but it wasn't as harsh as it could have been. She stretched her arms out and got up of of the chair.

"So you won't really kill them will you?" Church asked a little hesitantly. You could never really tell with Tex.

"Nah." Tex said rolling her eyes. "It's not worth my time."

Church smirked. "Well I'd better get back to the Red base. Make sure they haven't killed each other yet."

"Sure." Tex replied. "I'm going to lock myself in my room until Donut leaves." With that statement she walked up to the door of the base. However as she got to the door she suddenly looked back.

"Hey Leonard!"

At being called by his first name, Church looked back in surprise.

"...Thanks..." Tex called out.

"...uh you're welcome..?" Church replied as he watched Tex walk into the base. He shook his head as he kept walking. Sometimes it was easier not to try to understand women.

* * *

It was a few days after the two party's and the day before the wedding. Church was on the top of the Blue base with a sniper rifle looking at the rest of the canyon. Everyone seemed to helping set up for the wedding the next day. Even Grif was helping. Though Church suspected that there had been some death threats involved to get him to.

"Church..." Church rolled his eyes and turned to see Caboose running towards him.

"Hey Caboose."

"Tex said you would not be my best man...why?"

"Um...Sheila asked me first?" Church replied trying to ignore Caboose's hurt expression.

"But..."

"Why don't you ask Tucker?" Church suggested.

"Because Tucker is not my best friend." Caboose explained.

Church sighed. "Well then...get Doc to."

Caboose hesitated and Church sighed again. "Fine Caboose tell you what. You get Doc to be your best man and if I ever get married you can be mine."

Caboose's face lit up with a smile. "Thanks Church!"

There was a pause. "So...when are you getting married?"

Church hit himself on the forehead. He had a feeling he was going to regret this "I'll let you know Caboose. Now why don't you go find Doc."

"Okay!" Caboose smiled, running down to the canyon.

Church just rolled his eyes again and went back to looking through the sniper rifle.

-

"That was nice of you." A voice came from over his shoulder causing him to jump.

Church turned around to see Tex standing there suddenly. "God damn it Tex. Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Tex smirked. "Well then learn to listen better."

There was another pause as Church glared at Tex.

"So, I heard you're getting married too now." She said walking over and taking the sniper rifle from him.

Church scoffed. "Yah right. I only told Caboose if I got married." He folded his arms. "I never said I actually was."

"Well someone's touchy." Tex commented as she looked through the sniper rifle.

"I wonder why." Church muttered to himself.

"Well I'll tell you what." Tex said suddenly tossing the sniper rifle to an off guard Church. "When you get married, I'll be at your wedding too."

She smirked as Church fumbled to catch the gun. As she passed by him she leaned down and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. When he'd straightened up, she was already gone out of sight.

* * *

It was the day of the wedding and everyone was getting last minute details sorted out. Like the fact that everyone forgot they were supposed to get gifts.

"What did you get Grif?" Simmons asked as he looked over to see the solider wrapping a box in their room. "And what are you wrapping that in?"

"Old newspaper." Grif replied as he taped it up. "I wrap all my gifts in it. Don't you remember Christmas?"

"Oh, yah." Simmons rolled his eyes. "Well what did you get?"

"It's a lunar powered blender."

Simmons paused. "Don't you mean solar powered."

"No," Grif scoffed. "Solar powered was so last year. This runs on the power of the moon!"

"Grif we get like _one_ hour of darkness here. _If_ we're lucky."

"Yah and in that one hour they can make some seriously kick-ass smoothies!"

Simmons at this point decided that it was best not to argue with Grif's horribly flawed logic. It was a lost cause.

"Fine, now come on. We're going to be late for the wedding."

"Yah, yah. I'm coming."

-

As a result of there being so many people actually participating in the wedding itself, the guests consisted of Tucker, Simmons and Grif. They sat waiting in some chairs that they had dragged over from the bases. All of them were dressed in what in their current situation would count as formal wear. Which was really a clean shirt that would have matched their armor colour and a tie that was either red or blue. Depending on what team they were on. Which made Grif think to ask. "Okay, really are these the only colours we're allowed to wear...ever?"

Sarge was standing in front of them at a hastily constructed podium of some sort. Caboose was standing a little in front of him. The Warthog was off to the side with the speaker on as they didn't have any other type of music player.

There was a shot in the air.

"Alright dirt bags." Sarge said putting his shotgun to the side. "Let's get this show on the road."

"Does he bring that thing everywhere?" Tucker whispered to Simmons and Grif.

"Pretty much." Grif replied. "It's really-"

"Shhh." Simmons shushed his friend. "We're starting."

"No kidding, kiss ass."

.

"What's going on?" Tucker muttered as they waited and nothing seemed to be happening.

"The maid of honour is supposed to come down with the best man." Simmons whispered, then looking behind him. "But I don't see anyone...oh wait there they are."

Doc was walking down the aisle next to Tex. The later was looking extremely angry.

"Hey look, Tex's wearing a dress!" Tucker felt the need to point out. "Bow chicka...

As she and Doc passed by, Tex slapped Tucker on the back of the head. "Ass."

Tucker rubbed his head while Simmons looked behind them. "Hey it's Donut."

"Please don't tell me he's wearing a dress too." Grif moaned.

"No. But apparently he couldn't find any flowers."

This was soon proven true as Donut was walking down the aisle tossing what appeared to be marshmallows.

"Hey those are my bacon flavored marshmallows!" Grif protested when he recognized them.

He was quickly cut off by another shush from Simmons.

.

"Hey listen the music's starting...wait this doesn't sound like the wedding march." Tucker looked over at the Warthog.

"Uh, yah." Simmons looked over. "We couldn't really find that song."

"This ones kinda like it though." Grif put in. "Just instead of being played by organ...it's played by an accordion."

"It sounds like some sort of a polka." Tucker muttered but then got quiet as the last two people came down the aisle.

Church was walking next to Sheila wondering how he'd ever gotten into this situation.

As they got to the front he walked over to stand next to Tex.

"Dearly beloved...and Grif." Sarge started the ceremony. "We are gathered..."

"I thought you said your weren't going to wear a dress?" Church whispered to Tex. She glanced over at him. "Doc didn't want me to ruin the wedding." She whispered back. "And he payed me."

Church tried not to laugh. "Why am I not surprised." He paused. "You look...nice."

"Be quiet Church." Tex muttered but he noticed that there was a hint of a smile on her face.

He shook his head and went back to watching the strangest wedding he'd probably ever see in his entire life.

* * *

"And I know pronounce you...uh...husband and wife." Sarge said finishing the ceremony. "You may now kill the orange wearing guest."

"Hey!" Grif called out but everyone else was clapping.

"Yea!" Caboose cheered, somehow hugging Sheila. "Now it's dancing time!"

"Screw that." Tucker called out. "Let's eat the cake."

"No!" Donut called out loudly causing everyone to look at him. "I mean you have to throw the bouquet first!"

There was a pause...

"Come on guys I'll show you.." Donut managed to round up everyone in a cluster except for Caboose and Sheila. "Now Sheila..." He looked over to the tank and remembered she didn't have any hands. "Okay...Caboose. Throw the flowers into the air."

"Why?" Caboose asked taking a hold of the few fake flowers that they had managed to find.

"You have to throw it so one of those guys." He indicated the now bored soldiers standing in front of him. "Can catch it. And the person to catch it, will get married next!"

"Oh...okay." Without much thought Caboose threw the bundle of flowers high up into the air.

.

"So..." Grif said looking around. "Is anyone actually going to try to catch it."

"Yah, right." Tucker replied. "I can't get married. There's just too much Tucker for one woman."

Church rolled his eyes. "Yah right Tucker."

By this time the flowers were falling back down to the ground.

"Hey!" Tex exclaimed as they hit her on the head. She grabbed them. "Caboose watch where you're throwing..."She trailed off looking at the fake flowers in her hand.

"Hey Tex caught them." Tucker laughed. "I guess that means she's getting married!" Seeing Tex's glare he quickly changed his tone. "Hey let's all get some cake now."

"The cake is a lie!" Grif shouted out as Simmons rolled his eyes.

"Shut up Grif, you play too many video games."

.

Church walked over to Tex as everyone was going back to the Blue base.

"So does this mean you're going to marry me now?" Tex didn't say anything but then smirked.

"Sure, why not?" She tossed the flowers over to the stunned Church.

"Wait...what did you just say...?!"

* * *

**I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. **

**Please leave a review and tell me what you thought!**


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